I believe I have done all that I can, and pray that what I am going to do will not come back and bite me in the rear end. I have separated myself from those things online that have and continue to hinder my spiritual growth. The only online presence I am keeping is this profile here on CyWorld, but with no networking involved. I will use this as if no one will ever see it, atleast that is the desire and plan, as it is more an online (mini)vault for me to store my personal thoughts, journals, songs, pics, and the like. I pray God will keep me from returning to MySpace and the like until I have a strong foundation and good stability in my personal and spiritual life once again.

Here I am, getting caught up again in the web. Maybe not by the video games as it was last time, but nevertheless, it is still the internet. How curious, now that I think about it, that the internet would be called the 'web', and that I would get caught in it. The internet is one of the strongest hinderances in my life as it is, and I am having so much difficulty overcoming it. What must I do? Of course, I could simply lay it down, never to return to it again, and this would be good, but... Meh, no 'buts' about it! Think about Jimmy, how he can only find himself using one or two websites period, the rest of the time the computer is nothing more than a tool for writing his sermons. I have put MySpace away from me for the time being, as it is simply the one thing online that is draining so much of my time. Maybe in the future God will have me in a place spiritually that I can once again enter this realm and take a stand in ministry there, but right now is not that time.

Lost... this is me right now. I desire to know God evermore, and no matter how much I talk about it to God through prayer, I am left with nothing but silence to listen to. God is far from ignoring me, and by that statement, I don't mean God is not talking to me. I don;t understand where to go or how to get there. As I wrote that, I am reminded of a prayer that Cindy Cambell (pardon if I misspelled her name, it has been a while since I have seen it in print), speaking of 'Eyes and Wings' (listen to the Extreme Disciples CD from Lou Engle to hear it).

Oh God, give me eyes and wings, I am so blind and so weak. I don't know how to walk, nor can I see, and speaking is to difficult. You have broken me, continue if you must, but please show me the way. Come to the blind and open his eyes, come to the deaf and open his ears, come to the lame and heal his limbs, come to the mute and loose his tongue. Come quickly Lord, even so, come quickly!

Well, God is always good and full of grace and truth. I find myself desperate, wanting nothing more of ministry, but only of Him and His love and glory once again; relationships being restored. Father, continue to break my heart, but as You do, renew my spirit in Your love; draw me after You and I will run.

Yeah, what a day at church it was. Prayer was intense, but not in the way it once was. I feel as though I have lost something special, something dear to me, and that is the strength of the relationships I once held so close and dear. It is almost as if I don't know how to walk anymore, and especially run, knowing that I will stumble. One thing I know though is that God is still there, and really, has never stepped away; nor have I really, I have been meant to experience these trials as they have given me some wisdom which I seriously hopes become more than knowledge , but a 'mark' upon my heart. I am confused and lost, aimless and without goal, yet I still continue on. God will help me, but it is not easy. I fear making the wrong decisions in life, but also know that God is bigger than me or my mistakes, and He can make and turn anything bad into good for His glory.