Dear Diary,

*sigh* I feel like I can't talk to anyone these days. The rest of the school year is fading away quickly, gosh, we only have six more days left...

Thank God, I don't think I can handle it any longer. I usually study hard and try my best in school but these days I'm just not into it. No, it's not spring fever and it annoys me like hell... Having a sore throat and a plague with "food poisoning" doesn't help either... (xD lmao fooled ya! And my parents and family! I didn't finish a project at school and didn't want to school so I pretended to be sick and "threw up". X_X I feel guilty... ajdkfajkdjfadkj ^^;) I can't pay attention in class. All I do is stare out the window and I don't want to talk to my friends either. Is this a "stage" as the teacher/councilors at school call it? kajdkajd No one I know will understand how I feel. The people older than me will pretend to understand when they really think I'm out of my mind and the ones younger will think I've lost it... Maybe I have, I don't know. I feel really playful and emotional today but I don't know why. It seems really random and weird but I'm all serious.

I've seriously considered my life in ten years. Get ready, greedy little munchkin coming through! :P First off, I want a big house. With lots of art and contemporary furniture with all the trimmings... I know it sounds like a fantasy but don't you want one too? ^^ It'll be black and white with lots of fish tanks mounted on the walls. Black and white fish of course! Yes, very stylish and modern. Flat screen TVs and mirrors everywhere, you got it! Did I leave out the Benz in the garage? =D Yes, I sound very greedy... But I am, I just prefer to call myself ambitious... Now I'm sounding like a snob. :(

But... moving on. I'm also very concerned about my job. College is a few year away but what do I study? Business? Fashion? Maybe go to medical school? TT_TT It's all so confusing... I want to do everything and I want to be good at it too... Am I asking for too much? Of course I am... But I can't help myself. Is it a crime to ask for more from life?

I want fashionable clothes: Gucci, Prada, YSL, Channel, D&G, Hermes.... Why can't a have it all?

Psh, I know plenty of people who would laugh at me for thinking like this. They would say I'm foolish and that I could dream on.

And I will.

I really want to, no I will be, successful. I want a good job that pays a well, and it better be one that I enjoy. Maybe I'll be fashion designer, or follow my childhood dream of being a doctor, I don't know. I remember in first grade my friend Shannon told me doctors were only men and because I was a girl I wasn't "allowed" to be a doctor. I cried. Yes I did, and you can call me a baby cause I was then. But that's how much I wanted to do it. Just knowing that my chances were slim made me cry... That's now greedy I am...? TT_TT

But is it wrong to want more? Is it wrong to want to live a luxurious, glamorous, perfect life?

I talked to my mother and she said it is impossible... is it really? She says that I should be thankful for everything I have, thankful that I'm not retarded, thankful that I don't have to worry about financial problems, thankful that I can go to school... and I am, don't get me wrong... it's just.... I know I should be thankful and that I should thank God for everything I have, my family, my friends, but I want more.

My mom says that I'm asking too much from life. She says it's bad that I'm being a perfectionist and that life will never be exactly the way I want it. A part of me agrees and a part of me disagrees, I'm not sure how I feel, maybe I'm being a rebel.

Maybe it's because life is so perfect already that there's nothing more I can want... Maybe I'm CREATING my own problems... Gah, is it true? I don't think so, I think I'm being very logical but I could be. I have a habit of making trouble...

I want people to like me, I want more friends, and most of all, I want people to understand me. Not people, just one person. One person that I can freely talk to about anything. Someone that would just listen to all the complex and ignorant things I have to say, someone that won't judge me because I'm selfish, vain, and greedy...

Is that too much to ask for? I'm really confused with... myself. I don't know how I feel, I don't know what I want. Does that make sense? I want things to be exactly they way I want them... :x

According to my mom, I'm too picky and I need to accept life the way it is... I don't want to! In her day, she worried about academic and financial problems... I'm worried about my future. I don't want to end up making mistakes and not being able to fix them. I want to be sure about the future and I want it to be guaranteed. I know I'm selfish... but I can't help myself. I don't want to make a choice I'll regret in the future. I don't want to screw up! Even if I can transfer colleges if I don't like the one I get into... it'll still be a waste of time. I don't want to try fashion designing for a year and then decide later that I don't like it. It's a waste of a year and time is precious.

I sound like a beyotch don't I...

---- Christie <333