Off to Target...

To print some Dong Bang hottness for my room... and a couple other shots for my auntie. <333

--- Saranghae~~~ Christie <333

Dear Diary,

Things have been pretty hectic lately--- school, friends... life? xD lol

Nothing seems to be going well these days. I'm getting into fights with my parents... loosing personal items, loosing my tutoring, I think I've lost my mind as well. xD

In the middle of all this chaos, I still want to update my cy. I feel bad for neglecting it, it's been so long! TT_TT (I really need to buy more skins... d---, I'm out of acorns again. X_X Being the shopaholic I am, it's not a surprise... ne? haha

But honestly, there are times when I really want to give up on everything. I haven't told anyone this because they're sure to start worrying and send me to therapy or something. xP But really, it's not as serious as it sounds. To be honest, I have been thinking of just... leaving for a long time.

To start off, living with my mother is really stressful and hard for me. Ever since she started dating her new boyfriend... I don't know, things have just been different and almost new to me. People tell me I have the "gongju-byung" or "princess disease". I know it's true, I won't deny it. I'm more than used to people pampering and spoiling me and I won't be modest about it. People tell me that the feelings and things I'm going through are nothing because they THINK I have everything. I don't. Sometimes, shinny things and money don't cut it. When your mom doesn't come home until 10:30 everyday, when your dad has a liver disease, when your aunt almost died of cancer, when your uncle doesn't give a sh*t about what's going on in the family... that's when life goes down the drain. That when the world seems dark and cold.

I would give up ANYTHING to just.... "repair" my life. So that's what I'm going to do. From now on, I'm going to live my life to the fullest. I'm going to "yulshimhee sarurkoya", "live hard/well". I'm going to study hard for my parents, I'm going to be responsible for my family, I'm going to improve my social life, I'm going to clean my room, be polite to everyone... I'm going to try my best to get out of this pit I'm in.

For the past week, I'm been what I guess you can call suicidal. I've been thinking about cutting myself, I've been thinking of hanging myself... for the people who are patient and caring enough to read this entry, don't be afraid for me. It's not that bad, I don't need mental help. I'm just been very helpless and stressed out. I didn't know what to do. The foundations of my life were crumbling and I felt that every moment, I was doing something wrong. I felt that nothing I did was good enough for my mom, my friends, my family... I felt that I wasn't good enough for anything, like I was failing... myself.

My dad says it's because I'm a perfectionist, that I want everything to be perfect... And maybe that's true. Maybe that's what I want. But it that such a selfish wish? Come on, we've all thought about this before. We've all wanted life to be perfect, and honestly... why shouldn't it be? Is it wrong to want perfect grades? Is it wrong to want to be popular at school? Is it wrong to want to be devoted to your faith? Is it wrong to want people to love you? Why is it wrong to want everything to be perfect?

I've read a lovely fanfic once and the main character said, "How can we be perfect... what perfection isn't allowed?"

I know that statement is true, and I know it's a fact... But still. Being selfish, it's hard for me to accept. Why can't life just be "still" for once? Why can't people always be smiling and why can't things just go the way I want?

When my mother and I argue, it's always about the same things.

"Christie. Look at what you have. I've bought you a new bed set, a new outfit, and new this, and new that. How come I give you everything you want but you still can't do your tutoring everyday or why is that q-tip on the sink? Why isn't it in the trash? How could you miss that? Why are you so irresponsible? Why can't you always know where your retainer is? Why aren't you cleaning up after your grandma's mess? Why are you into cheerleading? Why can't you just focus on being the editor of the school's newspaper instead? Why have you given that up? You know I would be happier, you father would be more proud... why aren't I allowed to mess up in life? Or then again, why is life allowing me to mess up? Why aren't I good enough?

I don't know.... Am I babbling again? Well, today, just for this one night, I'm going to babble. I'm going to go on and on about my life, and be an emotional teenager. Sometimes, I don't want to act my age. There are times when I want to be mature and some times when I just want to cry and scream like a baby. I guess that's just how I am.

Why the girls in my dance class get stressed out, they take it out on other people. They scream and yell and make a fit and talk back to their elders. I don't do that. I'm not boasting, I'm not proud. So then... why does everyone only look at my unperfect parts? Why can' they see the good parts? Why are they so mean? I feel like such an immature 10 year old right now, but I seriously don't care. And I'm also very sorry, to the people who bother to read this, that they have to read through all this s---.

I know I'm cursing. I know it's a bad habit. I know it's "un-lady-like". TT_TT But I need to rant.

Hopefully, God will answer my prayers. Hopefully, my teeth won't become crooked again because I lost my retainer. Hopefully, mom won't get mad because I forgot my tutoring at school (it's spring break and I can't get it out of my locker... stupid d--- lockers are in a LOCKED hall...), hopefully "life" will just get better.

But really, the only thing that makes me happy these days is K-Pop. Listening to music, auditioning for SM, reading fanfics, writing fan fics... It's pretty much what I live for. I think I've even forgotten my "dream" as they call it...

Maybe I'll rename it "GOAL". Yes, my goal is to move to Korea, become a famous singer, make it big, tour Asia, meet celebs, make lots of friends, and have a blast at life. Pretty much a fantasy, huh?

But I'll try.

Because I still have hope.

Because I love life.

Still.

--- <333 Christie